Today i decided to say no, maybe ill say yes tomorrow!

Today I was supposed to leave the check for my dress, my wedding dress, but here I am, on a terrace, in a brasserie in Saint Germain, having white wine, I’m drinking, it’s my third glass, it’s only 6:30 pm, I didn’t go to the showroom of the “amazing” Parisian designer, I called her, I said I can’t, “I wish”, I said. I can’t handle the fact that I’m acting like the girls that I hate, planning everything for a perfect day that I will forget the year after when my future husband will be annoying, when the love will die, because it has to die, that’s the meaning of love, if it stays, you call it friendship. So I said that I can’t come, I lied, I said “I need to figure out the place where the party for my wedding will happen”. I lied very well, I know how to lie, it’s my job, I’m a writer, I create stories, but my emotions were real. I felt the anxiety coming up, taking my feet then my legs then my belly then my breasts then my neck then my head, it was like a disease, like a cancer, taking control of my body without letting me know. Today I felt like I didn’t want to get married, like I didn’t want to have chemo, not that I don’t love my fiancé, this is for sure, it will happen! I fell in love with him and I’m still as in love as the first day! But, I am fucking afraid, I am mother fucking afraid, first I’m afraid of the very small things like the food for the guests, alcohol or no alcohol since I’m muslim and so is my family, the color of my shoes, then I’m afraid for big things, like how can I want to get married with everything that is happening in this world, how can I want to raise children when they can get killed when going to a concert, having fun, listening to music they love, how can my children not blame me for creating life in an extreme violent humanity, how can I handle a fucking wedding organization without hating my future husband’s family or mine? Do I really give a shit about a dress made with very rare organza?? Do I really give a shit about Manolo Blanik violet shoes?? Do I really care about the dessert?? Today I decided to say no. Yeah of course I only said no to the dress, but this fucking dress means the hole wedding, I thought about it so much, I dreamed about it so many long nights, and now that I am about to have it, I turned my head, I said no like I spoke to her, “you are not getting me!” It’s like I wanted to find the right dress to tell her face to face what I had to say, that I don’t have to do things because I’m told I have to, because that’s life, because that’s the rule, I fucking hate rules, my mom was like me, Islamists asked her to wear the hijab in Algeria, she laughed, she said “I’d better die free than live trapped with your hijab”, so I said the same to my dress, “I’d better die free than getting married in a dress that doesn’t have any meaning left to me, to the society!” I’m tired of these people telling me “It’s good, you are building a life, a family.” Yes i am guys, but do you really think its good? Why do we have to say it’s okay when it’s not, what the fuck with the optimism, being optimistic doesn’t mean we have to lie to ourselves! I am fucking lost and I admit it, what’s wrong with that? Why do we have to continue our lives like nothing happened?? I have a friend who lost his life 3 weeks ago in the Bataclan shootings, another one still alive but received 3 bullets in the legs, you think the world is okay? You think when people say it’s the one billion muslims who are guilty? You think it’s okay when children are killed in Syria, Palestine, Nigeria, 4 days after they were born?? No it’s not okay, at all! Today I thought about my dress and i felt like bad old tea dancing in my mouth, like a very old idea of happiness that I have to remove from my thoughts. I felt like I have to think more before throwing 150 bottles of champagne at my wedding while 150 children have stopped breathing at that very same time somewhere in the world, today I decided to think, not to get married, for me, for them, for a better life, to build something better!!