QUARANTINED, AND FOR HIRE
To whom it may concern;
I hope this letter finds you well in these strange and uncertain times. My name is Mackenzie, and I am interested in applying for, well, any position at your company.
Oh, your hiring is frozen? I’d like to apply anyway, so I can fulfill my three-applications-per-week unemployment claim requirement.
As the saying goes: dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Since I’ll take literally any job at this point, please just tell me how I should dress. I’m willing to abandon my current uniform of crumb-covered leggings and ex-boyfriend hoodie.
Perhaps now you’ve realized that I am unemployed and incredibly desperate. Like 15% of our country, I’ve been laid off from my previous role, and my president has recommended I consume bleach. I’m willing to drink the Kool-aid if it’s Jonestown-style. You go first, Mr. President. You see? I am always open to suggestions and willing to help build upon the ideas of others.
My lack of current employment should not cause alarm, though, as these 58 days 13 hours 21 minutes and 47 seconds have allowed me to gain new, valuable skills that make me an ideal candidate in the workforce.
These skills include, but are not limited to:
- Gaining the ability to recite every word of Fetch the Bolt Cutters with extreme exactitude
- Executing a 1000-piece puzzle of “Expert” difficulty level in record-breaking 7hrs 13mins
- Achieving 65% water consumption savings by limiting showers to once every three days
- Growing body mass index by 3% through successful mitigation of physical activity and simultaneous increase in Doritos consumption
- Becoming the mother to an indoor herb garden that put all other mothers (and gardens) to shame
- Learning to eyeball 6ft distance with the precision of a measuring tape
- Increasing number of Instagram followers in the male demographic as a result of late night DM-sliding
- Quickly and efficiently contributing to economic stimulus by dispersing my $1,200 federal check to various local food and wine delivery services
- Becoming an expert mediator of dog toy disputes between the world’s goodest boys masquerading as the world’s worstest
- Negotiating high-level nourishment requests from cohabitation and becoming a home f*cking chef and real housewife of Nashville
I thank you greatly for your time and look forward to discussing how these new skills make me the perfect candidate for any role in your company. Seriously. I’ll take any role.
Sincerely,
Mackenzie Nielson
P.S.
Want to get in touch? Please don’t go to my website, as billing failed for my Squarespace subscription. Please don’t give me a call, as my cell phone has been disconnected. Email is also a no-go, as I cannot afford my internet. Perhaps try carrier pigeon? Be sure to sanitize it first. Thanks again.
Illustration by: Juliette Seydoux
