1. Gluten-Free Diet
We all know what Gluten is. Let me take that back. We have all heard of Gluten.
We found out that half of Hollywood was allergic to the G word and your local corner shop has added a row just for that. But most of us have no flipping idea what gluten actually is. It seems like Gluten is everywhere, making us fat, and ruining our lives.
So here’s a Gluten for dummies sum-up:
“Gluten is created when two molecules, glutenin and gliadin, come into contact and form a bond. When bakers knead dough, that bond creates an elastic membrane. Gluten also traps carbon dioxide, which, as it ferments, adds volume to the loaf. (…)For people with celiac disease—about one per cent of the population—the briefest exposure to gluten can trigger an immune reaction powerful enough to severely damage the brushlike surfaces of the small intestine.” Explains the Newyorker. “You can find it in a lot of things like bread, pasta and cereals. (…) For many people, avoiding gluten has become a cultural as well as a dietary choice, and the exposition offered an entry ramp to a new kind of life. There’s a travel agent who specializes in gluten-free vacations, and a woman who helps plan gluten-free wedding receptions.” continues the journalist.
I think it’s fair to say that the reasons this gluten free diet works is it’s daunting and restrictive, it stops you from eating burgers and pasta. You are drawn to eat fresher, healthier stuff. Hence the weight-loss. No SHIT JOSE.
Basically, the Gluten free diet is perfect for attention-seeking freak people that love to overcomplicate meals. “The culinary villain” is to blame for almost everything, and very efficient if you want to break everyone’s balls at a restaurant.
If you want more info please read this article from the Newyorker. It has everything you want to know. http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2014/11/03/grain
2. Protein Diet
“The moment it leaves your fork, protein starts winnowing your waistline. High-protein foods take more work to digest, metabolize, and use, which means you burn more calories processing them. They also take longer to leave your stomach, so you feel full sooner and for a longer amount of time. The cumulative effect has obvious benefits for anyone who is watching her weight.” explains Womenshealthmag.com. But once again, we said we want to tell the truth- not what Women’s Health mag says. Basically the protein diet means that you only eat white chicken breast. If you look into a models bag you shouldn’t be surprised to find a Tupperware filled with stinky pre-cooked chicken breast.
Only eating chicken sounds just as boring as it is.
3. Potato Diet
You can find more information on The miracle Irish Potato diet 0 drop 21 pounds in two months on a website called Irish central. Is there more to say? Oh yes , you can also visitwww.20potatoesaday.com
4. Color Diet
“If you’re looking for an easy way to optimize your diet, go for color.” explains Health.com.
“Orange and Yellow: The body converts the beta-carotene in carrots, mango, sweet potatoes, and other similarly shaded foods into vitamin A, which promotes good vision.
Purple and Blue: Anthocyanins, antioxidants that may inhibit tumor growth, boost cognitive function, and fight heart disease, are found in eggplants, radishes, and berries.
Red: Get lycopene, linked to lowered risk for prostate, lung, and stomach cancers, from tomato, pink grapefruit, and watermelon.
Green: Zucchini, along with leafy greens and basil, is a good source of lutein and zeaxanthin, which may prevent eye disease and stroke.”
explains an other website.
It’s very Biennale, very Sophie Calle and you can colour coordinate with your outfit. What’s not to like.
5. Juice Diet
We all have that one friend who decided to do the juice detox diet. You get delivered a box of liquid meals. You have to drink one bottle in the morning, one at lunchtime and one in the evening. I have actually dated someone who tried it out.
As an external witness, these are the effects. First you get very grumpy (being hungry always makes me grumpy too). Then you lose energy. Funnily enough a lack of solid food is quite tiring. Then hopefully you start feeling So much better. Hopefully. I am not quite sure of the actual benefits of this diet (for more than a week detox) but I am not surprised not eating actual food makes you skinnier. I’ve heard that solid is so overrated anyway.
6. Baby Food Diet
Instead of buying microwave-ready meals, switch to baby food. I always like to think about this as a bird diet. Like the mother seagull pre-chewing the food for its babies. My friend lived with a chick that filled their fridge with all sorts of baby food. I don’t think they ever shared a meal but I do remember her being pretty fit.
7. Doll-House Diet
This is probably my personal favourite. The idea is that you have to eat your food in tiny recipients with tiny cutlery.
According to some diet guru it affects your perception. Seeing a full plate makes you feel like you are eating a lot.
You might look ridiculous. But really, it’s quite smart.
Also please check the mini food cooking channel on youtube, its mesmerizing.
8. Liquid Dinner Diet
I’ve lived in Paris for a few years. I have been the silent witness of a LOT of fashion weeks sitting at the cafe de Flore. That’s when I got the real secret. the real one. It’s called the Liquid Dinner Diet. A smart mix of Vodka Sodas with Lime (AkA a skinny bitch), cigarettes and cocaine will make you forget about meals. You can spend days on that diet. Perhaps slip in an apple or a sushi now and then and you know you will be fit, not hungry and got damn cool as a Parisian too.
Maybe if you want to lose weight the plan should just be to not eat (that’s a joke obviously), but let’s be honest, if you see really really skinny people, they don’t have a trick or an actual diet. They just don’t eat and that’s the truth. A 1m90 healthy woman does not weigh 52 kilos. They can tell you all they want about metabolism, about healthy meals, about all of the above diets and 3 times a day training but for most of them it’s just not that.
Nothing works as much as ordering food and sneakily pushing food around the plate, making little mountains of food and dropping your fork and knife 5 minutes later on the plate, hiding the food underneath a napkin with a sigh, screaming “WOOOWwww I’m full”.
It can also help if you drink a lot of coffee and take cocaine.
10. Tourista Diet
Now we get to the real deal. If it’s an urban legend or not it doesn’t matter. This story needs to be told. It puts the Die in the Diet. (God that’s a bad joke). Anyway.
Two English back-packers -imagine red haired dreadlocks and Birkenstocks and a set off for a trip to India. They thought they would work summer bodies in New-Delhi before getting their lobster shine on on the beaches of Goa. Now is when the stroke of genius happened. What better way to lose weight quickly than to get a good old traditional tourista. We all have had a good gastroenteritis and found out that one of the highlights after those days of pain were how fit we looked into our bathing suits. So here are our two English girls on their way to the Delhi market: barefoot. – If you think this is already gross maybe you should stop reading now because it doesn’t get better.
Back in their hostel they have the bright idea to lick each other’s feet – I told you it was gross. So they got ill. Very ill. And they died.
It’s pretty funny and pretty sad at the same time.
There are a couple of life lessons here.
1. Do not lick your foot. That’s just gross and silly.
2. If you are ready to make your body endure such pain in order to look good on the beach it’s probably not worth it. Hasn’t Disney told us that we should be loved for what we are?
3. Food should not be a cause of so many troubles. Being your healthy self is good. Trying to look like Iza Goulart is absurd. The above list is the reality of all those models and seriously doesn’t sound fun.
And here at Unemployed we like fit people but we like raclette better.